That Great Pool of Silence
A slow insight has been creeping to the surface over the past few days: Maybe I'm not supposed to be using this recovery time to accomplish anything. Maybe that's the point.
It's funny how you can think you believe one thing, when your actions reflect the complete opposite. I realized today that I measure my worth by the things I accomplish: copywriting assignments, art projects, classes taken, books read. I get anxious when I don't have a long list of tasks completed to show for myself by the end of the day. That underlying belief is perhaps why I've struggled with meditation for so long: because it feels unproductive, and being unproductive feels unsafe.
In Embers: One Ojibway's Meditations, Richard Wagamese writes:
"I am my silence. I am not the busyness of my thoughts or the daily rhythms of my actions. I am not the stuff that constitutes my world. I am not my talk. I am not my actions. I am my silence. I am the consciousness that perceives all these things. When I go to my consciousness, to that great pool of silence that observes the intricacies of my life, I am aware that I am me."
What a powerful way to live: to place your self-worth in your common humanity, rather than all the tasks you accomplish in a given day. To trust that just being is enough.